January 25, 2011


Today we remembered Baby Hudson. His Mom, my very dear friend Kim, asked us to release balloons in his memory today. We choose a spot in the valley South of Oxbow where we had a happy memory of Husdon taking his first sled ride.
It felt good to breathe and let go..... It felt good to do something in remembrance. I was overcome with emotion...and all the feelings of when it happened last year came rushing back. It was good to cry & it was good to let the sadness flow and grieve.
I asked Kim how she is doing, she wrote this (and agreed to let me share)
You asked how I am really doing. Sigh...deep breath...in through the nose, out through the mouth. Yoga breath.
Today, I am enlightened that I survived a year. I am glad that the first year has gone by and that I will never ever have to live that year again. It was horrible. There were so many ups and downs that I didn't know where to fly. There were some days I couldn't get out of bed. Some days that I was in a fog. Some days that I didn't even believe that it was my life. My heart ached and I wanted Hudson back so bad that I didn't know what to believe in. I lost faith. I felt like it was some sort of tsunami and I didn't know how to survive. Some friends stopped calling ( some didn't :) - like you.....
The worst is that if you are doing good, people look at you like why are you okay. If you are doing bad people look at you like you should do better its okay.
I fell down stairs, I got bronchitis, I worked to much, I had lots of anxiety. I looked at moms at the mall with strollers and suddenly hated shopping. I escaped by watching movie after movie. I scrapbooked. Once I began to realize that it was my life and that my castle had burned down, my unicorns ran away, my butterfly wings were crushed, my spirit was low I was able to start to heal. I reached out to support groups. But most of all I reached out to someone that I had never reached out to before, and that was myself. When the phone stopped ringing, and the pain set in, I cried. I thought of the blessings that Hudson brought to my life. I started to believe in eternal life and that I too will see my mom and my son again one day. I found comfort in knowing that my mom was with Hudson and that he was safe.
I watched for hidden messages that come when you lose someone. I became intuitive and a bit clairvoyant. I began to feel as though I could draw on my own super powers if I just allowed myself to cry.
I soon came to realize that I had lots of memories that made me happy and sad about my son so I would remember the memories, say hello to them, comfort them, tell them I loved them then told them that I had to have new memories in the same places as the old ones. For example, I would always remember Hudson in his exersaucer in the kitchen and every morning it would hurt. So..I invited the gals over and we made pie and drank martinis. This way I could remember Hudson playing, but I could also remember laughing with the girls. It gave the memory comfort so that I could heal.
Today, now that a year is over I am thankful that I will never have to endure the first anniversary of anything again. I know how to better grieve. I know how to spend time with my grief, and I know how to allow room for it in my life. When I lost, Hudson I also lost a part of myself, and so with that life has to be rebuilt, be reborn, and be lived. I believe that my son is an Angel and that he brings me messages each day. Like yesterday when I tried to release the balloon, they wouldn't go up. Actually the first balloon popped for no reason, and then when I tried to release the balloon ( crying at that ), it wouldn't go up. It got stuck in the tree. I had my friend Gisa on my shoulders with a stick to get the balloon. Still didn't work. I had to climb the tree up 30 feet to get the balloon. But as I climbed the tree, I approached it and each branch was perfect. It was like a stairway to heaven. I climbed the tree in boots and a suit jacket and made it to my balloon. I came down and tried to release it again. No luck. By now, I realized I wasn't supposed to be crying, I was supposed to be laughing at what Hudson was doing. I got 3 more balloons and finally my message, my tears, and my laughter was carried to heaven.
Throughout my grief, my friends, and family have given me strength, cried for me when I didn't even know it ( that is how I can do it some days, its called pain sharing and I know that my friends take away some of the pain so that I can breath ). I cant wait to be calm, grounded, and blessed in my years to come. From butterflies to angels may each of you find comfort in the simple things.
Love Kim
{photo taken of Kim & Hudson January 24, 2010}


Lori said...

Wow - her strength is amazing. How can a person pull them selves out of that deep pit? It is amazing how she learned to open up to the pain & had all the self realization to help herself grieve and feel those feelings. God Bless you Kim! And you Starr for being the friend who "kept calling".

Jenny Hill said...

Starr (& Kim),
thank you for posting this. I have wondered many times this past year how you are doing Kim.

I have wondered how you managed to survive.

I will read the whole post later when I am not at work and I can have a good cry.

Thank you!